I’ve been finishing up the requirements for a Sacred Pregnancy Belly Bind and Sealing course which I started years ago, but was never able to complete thanks to the birth of my second son, which threw me for a bit of a loop. Two years later I’m finally coming back to it again, and have been enjoying it very much. At the heart of the course are the skills needed to do a bengkung belly bind (pictured below), but the course is about more than just the physical binding itself. It’s also about learning how to create a sealing ritual to honour the birth and provide closure for the woman, as well as supporting her through her postnatal journey–both of which are sorely lacking in our modern world!
Pregnancy and birth is all about opening, on so many levels: opening yourself physically, opening yourself spiritually and emotionally, opening yourself up to the vulnerability of a new and powerful love, and opening yourself mentally and psychologically to the needs of another human being (and being willing to put those needs first). Our western culture is fairly good at discussing the physical opening that takes place (just go to any childbirth class or antenatal prep class and it will be all about the stages of labour and dilation and what happens to your body), somewhat good at acknowledging the mental and psychological opening that takes place (but better at focusing on the baby’s needs than on the mother’s needs), and generally not so good at the emotional or spiritual opening that’s going on. Antenatally, there is the tradition of the Baby Shower (very popular in the US, much less so in the UK), which revolves around gift-giving and providing for the material needs of the baby but tends to gloss over the emotional or spiritual needs of the mom and the transition she’s undergoing. A Mother Blessing, based loosely on a Navajo tradition known as a Blessingway, is a newer tradition that’s been growing in popularity and does a better job of filling the emotional and spiritual void by honouring the mother and her journey and showering her with love and blessings from her community. However, this still pertains mostly to the antenatal time period, and is focused on the birth itself. Overall, in our modern society, very little attention is given to providing closure for women, helping them to ground and center themselves again after such a transformative experience, and acknowledging their new role as a mother. That’s where a sealing ceremony comes in.
After an opening, it makes sense that there should be a closing. A woman needs to be sealed, on so many levels. Physically, her womb and pelvis and pelvic floor need to contract again, after softening and expanding and dilating. Her abdomen has to knit together once more after the diastasis recti muscles have literally come unzipped. Her blood volume shrinks and her blood pressure may rise again (slightly–this is normal, and has nothing to do with the stress of having a newborn!). On a chi/ energy/ prana level, she has to re-balance herself and find her own, singular energy rhythms again, after having adjusted to holding her own chi as well as that of her growing baby. Emotionally, she has to adjust to the sudden emptiness inside of her, after having grown used to sharing her body and feeling the baby’s movements inside her for months and months. And even more importantly, she has to adjust to being the only occupant of her body again, reclaiming herself as a single entity, and feeling the wholeness of herself once more. Spiritually, she is going through perhaps one of the biggest transitions of her life, from maiden to mother, with all of the new uncertainties, vulnerabilities and identity upheaval that contains. It’s a very big deal–SO much is happening on so many levels, but in our western culture there is no formal way to acknowledge or honour this process.
Many traditional cultures around the world have sealing ceremonies and traditions which are an important part of the postnatal process. In China, new mums are encouraged to stay in bed for the first 30 days and are fed “warming” foods, often with lots of ginger and bone marrow in them to help . In India and traditional Hindu cultures, women remain home with their new baby for the first 40 days to help promote breastfeeding and avoid infection (interestingly enough, it takes about 6 weeks for a woman to fully establish her milk supply, which may be the underlying reason for this), allowing family and friends to care for her while she learns to care for her baby. Bengkung binding traces its roots to Malaysia, where it’s part of the traditional postnatal care offered to women. But of course, in modern America and the UK, there’s often very little room made for the woman’s transition during the postnatal phase. The focus is very much on the baby. The early weeks of the postnatal period involve trips to the paediatrician (in the US) or home visits by midwives and health visitors in the UK, checking the baby’s weight gain before finally discharging the mother/baby dyad from care around Day 10. Well-intentioned family members and friends encourage the mom to “get her life back” or “get her body back”, set up feeding schedules and routines for the baby and attend baby classes and postnatal groups as a way of socialising, all of which require the mum to leave the house with her newborn at a time when she’s not fully confident in her new identity yet, and often still overwhelmed by the transition and the round-the-clock needs of her baby.
And of course, we’re getting it wrong again and again. For one thing, very few women are recovering from a peaceful or empowering birth in the first few weeks. Most are having to process and contain experiences that ranged from disappointing to outright traumatic. As a midwife and lactation consultant, part of my job is to listen to women’s birth stories. Often I’m visiting with women in the first few days or weeks after the birth, when the experience is still very raw and they’re still processing it. Asking them to share their story can sometimes open floodgates of emotion for them, particularly if the birth was traumatic to them. A big piece of my job is to give the woman time to tell her story, in her own words and at her own pace–not just to share the details of it for the purposes of collecting her medical history, but to give her a chance to debrief. Even if she’s already told all of her friends and family about her experience, there’s something different about the listening you do in the role of a birth worker. It’s important to give her space, without judgement, and to acknowledge her experience. Sometimes sharing her story will bring up questions about it that she didn’t even know she had, which I’m sometimes able to help answer (particularly if the question is about something technical), and sometimes not (but sometimes just being able to formulate a question for the first time is helpful). Other times she doesn’t have any questions, but will simply repeat something over and over again, usually until it’s acknowledged (and here, echoing the woman’s words back to her helps tremendously; she might say at 6 different points in the story that she hadn’t really wanted to be induced, and saying a statement like: “You really didn’t want to be induced” allows her to feel like she was heard). There are many counseling tips and tricks that you pick up along the way, such as active listening, asking open-ended questions, reflection, paraphrasing, summarising and clarifying etc. But the root of it, of course, is listening without judgement, and holding space for her to be or feel whatever is coming up for her. This is an important part of sealing a birth, and can be very healing for a woman.
Mothering is incredibly invisible and unappreciated in our society. In other cultures, mothers are respected and honoured on a fundamental level which we seem to be missing. So much of our identity comes from what we do professionally. Just think of a dinner party with new acquaintances where everyone is going around asking you about “what you do”. When I was not working professionally but rather staying home with my children, I would often respond to these types of questions with something like: “Oh, I’m just a mother right now” (JUST a mother…), or “Not much”. Not much! As if the enormity of my daily work–caring for my children, nourishing them with my body when I was breastfeeding, preparing and cooking meals for them, running the household, doing laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and a gazillion other domestic chores, but more than anything else teaching them *constantly* by my words and actions and attitudes–amounts to nothing much at all because at the end of the day I had very rarely achieved anything, at least anything that could be crossed off of a to-do list or recognized by the wider culture as important. The work is repetitive, monotonous, lonely and under-valued, and in our culture it’s very low-status work. One has only to read a book like What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen to see the damage this lack of status inflicts on women on a daily basis. Here we are working our guts out, but the idea of a stay-at-home mother in our culture connotes the idea of not doing much of anything (but actually, this applies to any mother, because even working mums still have to come home from their paid job to begin their unpaid job of mothering, and are most likely only recognised for the work they do as part of paid employment). And we wonder why women are suffering from postnatal depression and anxiety in higher and higher numbers, or why modern women today are struggling as much as they are find their way. The author of this article eloquently points out that perhaps feminism has let women down on this front. I agree with that, but I also think it’s part of a wider malaise in our society: raising children and parenting the future generation is not seen as important, meaningful work, and this is a problem.
Which brings us back to sealing birth…rather circuitously. We need to get better and sealing birth for women. We can do this formally, through a ritual like the one Sacred Pregnancy has created (or something that we create on our own), or informally through birth debriefing, but at it’s very heart sealing a birth involves acknowledging the transition she’s been through, recognising the incredible work she has done and is currently doing–the work of giving birth, which is in itself a monumental achievement, but also the ongoing work of mothering–and honouring her for this. Sealing birth won’t elevate the status of motherhood overnight, or fix the many deficiencies in our culture, but it can definitely help to make a difference on an individual level to the woman herself. And every woman who feels supported, recognised and honoured as a mother will bring that confidence to her vital and incredibly important job of raising the next generation, and shaping our society in the process.
Looking back, I think that I was very lucky in that I was able to seal my first birth pretty well. While I never had a formal ceremony done, I was lucky to have had a very empowering birth experience (I’ll get my two birth stories posted soon) and I happily recounted my birth story over and over and over to whoever would listen. I felt like superwoman–I felt like I could do anything, after having given birth! There was something about repeating it again and again, something in the telling of the story, that helped make it real for me, and helped me gain closure on it. The telling of it and the closer helped to translate the confidence I felt about my birth into a growing confidence I felt about my new role of as a mother (Breastfeeding? Pshaw! OF COURSE I can breastfeed. I just gave birth after all–I can do anything!) I also had loads of support and help from friends and family in the first few weeks after my first birth, which made it a relatively smooth transition. With my second birth, this wasn’t the case. Even though the birth itself was wonderful, joyous and empowering, the postnatal period became incredibly stressful due to a medical emergency with my 5 day old son, which threw everything off kilter. Also, since it was the second time around, my expectation was that of course I would be able to manage it, just like I had with my first…but in reality, I found the transition from one child to two children incredibly difficult! And perhaps not surprisingly, I suffered from postnatal depression with my second son (again, I’ll share the story on here sometime soon). I think sealing is crucially important part of the birth experience. Was your own birth sealed? And if so, how was this accomplished?
Bengkung belly binding